I was born heart-led. As you might imagine, growing up in a world that denies such a thing, I lived a very tormented childhood. It was a wildly strange and twisted existence, where everyone kept telling me to live my conscience, but when I did, they turned on me. What they meant was that I supposed to live their conscience. That is frankly sinful — sinful for them to expect it, and sinful for me to do it.
Even late in my military career, when I felt compelled to walk someone else’s path, it felt dirty and sickening. It’s the one thing about the uniformed service I don’t miss. The arrogance is built into the system.
When you turn to consciously walk the heart-led life, you are suddenly transported to an entirely different realm of existence. Everything starts to make sense. I look back over my years of tortured consciousness and I have forgiven the whole world. No one owes me anything. Now I understand how there is nothing — nothing — I can do to change the situation. Merely wanting to change it is morally wrong. I can’t even change me, but at least I can be granted the power to work on that, and it’s all I can do. By the same token, I can’t avoid seeing how people are destroying their lives, and I have to speak sometimes, in some ways.
Do you see that I’m not really leading you folks at all? The best I can do is explain my sense of calling. As far as possible, I summon my brain to make some sense of what God has planted in my heart, knowing that my pitiful efforts to relate that in words can be used to awaken something in you. And it applies across the board, from my spouse to the outer rings of my limited dominion. Everything is voluntary. People who love me and fellowship with me do so to answer their own sense of need and calling. Do you know what it’s like when the little girls across the breezeway see me and run to hug my leg? Do you know what it says that they feel comfortable asking to borrow a stick of butter?
I really do love the fellowship; I love it when you take the time to post comments or send email. Some of you have sent donations from time to time and that’s also just dandy, but it’s more important to hear from you how God is using me to bless your life. I want to know how you find your own victory, your own calling, your own moral dominion. Tell me how I can pray for you.